


Not Rude But Ginger

by missthingsplace



Category: Doctor Who, Torchwood
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Rating: PG13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missthingsplace/pseuds/missthingsplace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> When the Doctor comes around after being shot by an alien he's in for a bit of a shock!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Rude But Ginger

**Title:** Not Rude But Ginger  
**Author** **:** [ ](http://missthingsplace.livejournal.com/profile) [**missthingsplace**](http://missthingsplace.livejournal.com/)   
**Parings/characters:** Doctor, Amy, Rory, Jack, Ianto, Gwen  
 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who or any of the characters ... unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while.   
**Summary:**  When the Doctor comes around after being shot by an alien he's in for a bit of a shock!  
 **Warnings:** A little cracky if i'm honest! Set after series two of TW and after the last series of DW, i've taken liberties with the time lines!  
 **Spoilers:** Anything is fair game for both programmes  
 **Rating:** PG-13  
  
** A/N:  ** This came about having watched the latest episoide of The Sarah Jane Adventures with my daughter yesterday, she made a comment and i can't for the life of me remember why and it set the bunnies scrabbling around frantically and so this was born and you can blame her entirely!

The Doctor slowly opened his eyes and tried to focus, doing his best to ignore the pounding in his head he tried to remember what had happened to him but the last thing he could remember was Amy's scream as he fell to the ground.

“Well, now look at you!” Amy's voice came to him loud and clear from nearby somewhere. “You told me you'd regenerate if they managed to get you but I never expected this!”

“This?” The Doctor frowned.

“Yeah, this,” Rory added, his voice tinged with the amusement that he was trying to keep in check or else burst into laughter.

“I don't ...” the Doctor broke off and raised a hand to his throbbing head, pressing the palm against it in a futile attempt to dull down the pain and then continued with “that's weird!”

He ran his hand over his hair, it was softer and sleeker than he had ever known it to be and it took him a second or to to take in the notion that it was a lot longer too, his hand fisted around the hair and he dragged the long length into view.

“I'm ginger!” He shrieked in delight. “I always wanted to be ginger!”

“We know,” Amy laughed. “you've mentioned it to me enough times.”

“I never expected it to be this long though,” the Doctor continued thoughtfully. “I'm not sure it would be practical, or I could put it up in a pony tail or a nice plait I suppose, or would that look to girly?”

“I'm not really sure that's an issue really,” Rory commented and finally burst into laughter. “I'm sorry, it's just ...”

“Doctor, I think you might want to get out of the bed and take a good look at yourself,” Amy said, giving her fiancée a look that told him he should leave the room.

Rory agreed heartily without comment and vanished from sight as the Doctor flung back the covers and made his way over to the full length mirror on the far wall of the room.

“What?!” The Doctor uttered in shock. “ But ...”

With that his hands rose to cup his chest.

“I have breasts!” He exclaimed, mortified but cupping them and bouncing the large orbs within his hands regardless. “I'm a man, I can't have breasts!”

“I think you'll find that you're not technically a male of the species any longer,” Amy stated, barely stifling a small chuckle as she handed him her own dressing gown to cover his modesty, not that the Doctor seemed at all embarrassed that he was stood in her old room, naked.

“What?” The Doctor repeated again and looked downwards to find he was missing a vital part of the male anatomy. “You mean?”

“Yep, you've regenerated into a woman,” Amy told him excitedly. “You've never been a woman before, have you?”

“That's because it's just not possible!” The Doctor told her, finally taking the offered dressing gown and slipping it on, although neglecting to use to belt to clinch the edges together while he stared at his image in the mirror. “When I regenerate my DNA doesn't change, well, not in that respect anyway, I can't suddenly change sex!”

“I beg to differ,” Amy giggled.

“No, no, something is wrong,” the Doctor insisted. “this is all wrong … although I do like the hair.”

“It is beautiful,” Amy admitted, watching the Doctor run his … her fingers thought the long, sleek auburn curls that dropped almost to his waist.

“No, I can't stay like this,” the Doctor insisted. “I need to find someone who can help me work out what went wrong with the regeneration process.”

“The TARDIS is in the garden, it brought us back here while you were unconscious,” Amy answered.

“Good, good, we need to head off to Cardiff, we can find help there,” the Doctor replied, heading for the bedroom door.

“Doctor, wait, no!” Amy said, racing after him. “You can't go out like that!”

“What? Why?” Oh I see!” The Doctor grinned, looking down at his near naked body. “Not to worry, there are plenty of clothes in the TARDIS wardrobe as you know.”

“Yeah,” Amy agreed, sighing inwardly with the relief that she wouldn't have to find him … her something of her own for the Doctor to wear. “at least do the belt up until we're in the TARDIS though please, I don't want you giving Rory a heart attack just yet.”

“I look good then?” The Doctor smiled.

“You're gorgeous,” Amy admitted. “come on, lets get going, even if it is only to Cardiff.”

“There's nothing wrong with Cardiff and the TARDIS could do with a little refuelling anyway,” the Doctor replied and proceeded to fill her in on the rift running through the city on their way to the time machine.

“Very fetching,” Rory commented, seeing the Doctor dressed in Amy's dressing gown and flicking his eyes appreciatively over his … her body.

“Down boy!” Amy told him with a wink.

“But ...” Rory began to protest.

“Yes, I've already told him he looks gorgeous so don't go feeding his ego, it's big enough already,” Amy laughed. “Doctor, get this thing flying and then go and find some clothes before Rory starts drooling.”

Drooling, really?” The Doctor asked cheekily.

“Yes, and I'm not going to clean up the mess!” Amy stated.

“Okay,” the Doctor agreed, putting the TARDIS into flight and then leaving them alone in the room.

“Wow, whoever would have guessed that he would have made such a beautiful woman?” Rory asked.

“Not me, that's for sure,” Amy answered, pulling her fiancée into her arms and kissing his lips lightly. “I'm not going to have to get all jealous am I?”

“Of course not,” Rory huffed. “but a man can't but admire something that's there in front of him.”

“Then you'll be admiring me now?” Amy asked.

“Yep,” Rory agreed and kissed her tenderly.

“Ta da!” The Doctor shouted, interrupting their moment as he burst back onto the flight deck. “What do you think? Do I look amazing or what?”

“Ummm, don't you think you should have gone for something a little more … conservative?” Amy answered carefully.

“Why? What's wrong with it, it's not much different to the clothes you wear?” The Doctor pouted.

“But we're not used to seeing you in such attire,” Amy continued, taking in the clothes the Doctor was now wearing which consisted of a tight fitting silver/grey t-shirt and a short black denim skirt that barely covered his backside, along with a pair of three inch black heels that he held in his hand. “You really feel comfortable wearing those clothes?”

The Doctor nodded. “I feel great, I just hope I can walk in the shoes.”

“Perhaps it would be better to go for flats for now?” Amy suggested.

“Now where's the fun in that,” the Doctor laughed, bending down to put the shoes on the floor.

“Doctor, I think you've forgotten something!” Rory exclaimed, getting a complete view of the Doctors bare bum as he did so. “Underwear would be good at this point, before we leave the TARDIS.”

The Doctor felt a strange sensation as a blush crept over his … her cheeks, something that had never happened to him before.

“I forgot, I went to pull on my usual pants and then realised that they wouldn't be appropriate and then completely forgot when I found these clothes,” the Doctor explained hurriedly. “I'll be back in a jiffy.”

“And make sure you put on proper knickers and not just a thong,” Amy called out after him.

“Will do,” the Doctor called back.

“I can't believe this, our prim and proper Doctor has transformed into a tart!” Amy grumbled to Rory.

“It's all just knew to him … her, I'm sure the Doctor will settle down,” Rory told her.

“I just want my Doctor back, at least a male one,” Amy announced. “I hope that whoever he's going to see in Cardiff can help.”

“We'll find out soon enough,” Rory said as the TARDIS came into land and the Doctor reappeared, slipping his feet into the shoes he walked two and a half steps before tumbling into Rory's outstretched arms. 

“Thanks for that,” the Doctor mumbled, up-righting himself and trying again and this time making it all the way to the TARDIS doors without stumbling in the heels, then flinging them wide open he announced 'Welcome to Cardiff.”

“Stop. Right. There.” A male voice commanded once the three travellers exited the TARDIS. “Hands where we can see them and then I demand to know just where the Doctor is?”

“Captain, Captain Jack Harkness,” the Doctor smiles. “it's me.”

“Me who?” Jack asked, his gun, nor Ianto's beside him wavering even a little.

“It's me, the Doctor,” the Doctor answered. “I know I don't look the part, but I can assure you that I am who I say I am.”

“He is,” Amy added, taking a tentative forwards, despite the guns pointed at them. “we were attacked and the Doctor was hit, he regenerated to avoid dying.”

“And you are?” Ianto asked.

“Amy Pond, I travel with the Doctor and this is my fiancée, Rory,” she responded as lightly as she could, lowering her hands to place them on her hips defiantly. “and just who exactly are you two to be querying us?”

“Amy!” Rory hissed but she ignored him.

“I can Captain Jack Harkness, this is Ianto Jones and we know the Doctor, there is no way he could change gender and become female,” Jack replied. “he explained it all to me a long time ago.

“Don't you see, that's the whole reason we're here,” the Doctor sighed. “I need your help to find out what happened during my last regeneration, why the impossible happened.”

“Prove it, prove to me that you are the Doctor,” Jack demanded.

“I abandoned you, I left you on Satellite Five after the Dalek attack,” the Doctor answered, his voice low and full of regret. “and when we finally met again I told you that your were wrong.”

Jack slowly lowered his weapon and Ianto followed suit.

“It really is you?” Jack asked, his eyes sweeping over the Time Lords new, female form from his feet, up the long slim legs and settling on the jutting, pert breasts for longer than required before finally looking into his eyes. “You're looking fantastic.”

Ianto looked at Jack and rolled his eyes, making the Captain feel a little guilty.

“Sorry, look, we should get inside,” Jack continued, ushering them towards the water tower. “I like to think of this as the tourist entrance.”

With the five of them huddled closely together on the slab it began to descend into the hub causing gasps from both Amy and Rory alike.

“Welcome to Torchwood,” Jack grinned, the slab coming to a halt as it reached ground level.

“Impressive Captain,” the Doctor said, glancing about. “and nothing like Torchwood One.”

“We've never been like Torchwood One, in any shape or form.” Ianto told him. “or I for one wouldn't be anywhere near this place.”

“You were at Canary Wharf?” The Doctor asked, realising what the young man was implying.

“One of the twenty seven survivors,” Ianto answered. “I was one of the lucky ones.”

“But you lost someone, yes?” The Doctor asked. “I can see it in your eyes, I lost someone close to me that day too.”

“Rose,” Ianto said simply. “Jack's told me all about her and how she came to be on the TARDIS when the Daleks stole the planets, she sounds like an amazing person.”

“She was, is,” the Doctor replied, correcting himself. “she's not dead, just back in her parallel universe.”

“I'm sorry,” Ianto told him genuinely. 

“It's for the best,” the Doctor said with a small smile. “so, come on then, we should get me scanned and tested.”

“This place is … just ...” Amy broke off, unable to find a word that described the hub in a way she was feeling.

“It is,” Rory agreed, taking her hand as they walked through the base.

“I remember you,” the Doctor greeted Gwen enthusiastically when he spotted her down in the medical bay. “Gwen Cooper wasn't it?”

“That's me,” Gwen acknowledged. “Doctor?”

“The one and only,” the Doctor smiled, following Jack and Ianto down the steps into the room. “good to meet you in person.”

“I was monitoring the CCTV so I have set up the scanner ready for your arrival,” she told him … her. “and then we can take some blood and cross match your DNA with that on the data base.”

“You have my DNA on record?” The Doctor frowned.

“It's been there since you worked for UNIT,” Gwen told him, thankful that she had done her research. “only minor details have changed within each generation – that they are aware of - and has been documented and they just consist of things like facial structure, eye and hair colour. You actual genetic make-up stays mostly the same.”

“Lets get on with the scan then,” the Doctor replied, getting up onto the autopsy table and laying down flat.

Gwen reached for the hand held scanner and ran it over the full length of his body, the image it threw up onto the white wall clearly showed the assembled audience that his body was female.

“You're definitely female,” Jack grinned. 

“Lets take some blood then and see if we can identify any abnormalities that could have caused this,” Gwen said, picking up an empty syringe. “this might sting for a second.”

“Just go for it,” the Doctor told her, wincing a little when she pushed the needle into the inside of his elbow.

“How long will this take?” the Doctor asked, pressing the small cotton wall ball she handed him to the small wound where the needle had pierced his skin.

“Twenty four hours, maybe thirty six at the most,” Gwen answered, dividing the blood between three vials and capping them tightly. 

“I've never been to Cardiff, can we go out and explore?” Amy asked no-one in particular.

“Sure,” Jack agreed. “enjoy yourselves and if you like you can use the room we have reserved at the Astoria Hotel by the bay for the night, just give them my name and tell them to confirm it with me.”

“Thanks,” Amy said, almost squealing with excitement. 

“Ianto, would you kindly show Amy and Rory back out,” Jack asked him.

“Of course,” Ianto agreed, leading them back towards the invisible lift and once they were on the slab he activated it, watching them until they were out of sight.

“Weevil sighing over by the abandoned industrial estate,” Gwen informed him when he returned. “just one by the sound of the reports, Ianto, you're with me.”

“Just grabbing my coat,” Ianto responded, unable to stop himself from glancing down at where Jack and the Doctor were still residing in the medical bay.

“What if the tests come back to tell us there's no abnormality with your DNA, it's just a twist of nature,” Jack asked. “I mean, you're the last of the Time Lords and it's not unknown for species here on earth, let alone other planets to change sex in order to make sure the species doesn't die out.”

“But there isn't another Time Lord for me to copulate with,” the Doctor argued. “so how would that help?”

“From what I know of your history there is a fifty-fifty chance of any child born that they would be Time Lord, is that correct?” Jack asked and the Doctor nodded. “then in theory, it is possible.”

“And if not then I will lose them, just like I did with my daughter,” the Doctor said sadly, dipping his head as a stray tear slid down his face. “I don't want to put myself through that again, even with those odds. Jack, I just want to be me again.”

“You are you, no matter what you look like, you know that,” Jack said gently, pulling the Time Lord into his arms and hugging him … her tightly.

The Doctor looked up at the Captain, his eyes brimming with tears that finally burst and ran down his face freely. 

“Do you think another regeneration would turn me male again?” The Doctor asked quietly.

“If you are thinking what I think you're thinking then I suggest you put that idea out of your head right now!” Jack demanded.

“I'm scared Jack, I've never been scared of anything,” the Doctor replied. “what if I can't do what I do as a woman?”

“Why wouldn't you be able to?” Jack argued back. 

“Just look at me, I look ...” the Doctor began but Jack silenced him by placing a finger over his lips.

“You look beautiful,” Jack said in a hushed voice, staring down into the Doctors eyes. “gorgeous.”

“Really?” The Doctor asked, his voice no more than a whisper.

“Really,” Jack told him, lowering his head and brushing his lips tentatively over the Doctors, feeling them part in anticipation.

“Jack ...” the name came from between the Doctors lips like a gasp and Jack crushed his lips to the Time Lords, kissing him … her hard until they parted panting for breath. “Jack ...”

They kissed again, the Doctor gasping into the Captains mouth when he felt his hand upon his breast, it felt so wrong but so right all at the same time and with barely a thought to what the consequences could be he melted into the Captains embrace.

“Doctor? Doctor? Oh thank goodness, we thought you were a goner,” Amy's voice came to him, dragging him out of the remaining fuzz in his aching head.

He looked around, spotting immediately that he was in Amy's bedroom.

“How did I get here?” He asked confused.

“That creature shot at you,” Amy explained. “the laser bold only grazed you but it knocked you on your arse and left you unconscious, you've been out of it for about two days.”

“How did we get here?” The Doctor asked, sitting up, hand on his forehead.

“The TARDIS, she obviously thought it was the best place to bring you,” Amy shrugged. “would you like anything?”

“A cup of tea would be good,” The Doctor smiled, pulling back the bedding and walking buck naked to the fill length mirror.

“Doctor!” Amy exclaimed, grabbing her dressing gown and tossing at him. “Please!”

“Sorry,” the Doctor muttered, sliding the garment on while checking out his body in the mirror with a strange look on his face.

“Is something wrong?” Amy asked, concerned.

“No, nothing,” the Doctor replied. “I had a dream, that's all … I dreamt I was … ginger.”

“Is that all?” Amy laughed. “Maybe you'll get your wish one day.”

“Yeah,” the Doctor replied distractedly to himself as she left the room, his fingers stroking over his lips where he could swear he could still feel like that had been kissed. “maybe … but then again, I quite like being a brunette too.”

With that he spotted his clothes folded neatly on the chair beside the room and began to get dressed, the last remnants of the dream beginning to slip away from his mind as another thought struck him.

“Amy!” He yelled. “Which one of your stripped off my clothes?”

The End.


End file.
